The Feline Territory

2005 started with all things planned out, but ended not following the plan either. Things became unexpectedly dramatic and just too many things went out of hand. The funny thing is, i’m happy that things went the other way, and somehow, out of hand. A lot happier than i will be if things were to go the way it was planned. I’m not sure whether this has got to do with fate, or the way i manouvere things and keep on driving…?

So, my new year’s resolutions this year is going to be a little different. I think i can finally afford to loosen up and embrace life in a more…. spontaneous approach. Not that i haven’t been spontaneous before, but maybe this year… i’ll just feel my way in as the days roll on…

Among things, i think i will:

1. Start a personal bank account for my Gen2. All the savings will go for its insurance, new speakers, new polish….. etc.

2. Get a certificate in Professional Makeup Course.

3. Travel to another country (in my top wishlist- India, and take photos at Taj Mahal)

4. Go to the beach (again and again)

5. Make a party for my two cats. With friskies cake and milk.

6. Re-do my room again.

Wanted to do in 2005

1. Be employed in a mega scandalous company- Done

2. Buy a Gen2- Done

3. Enroll for Masters program- Done

4. Explore life outta student life- Done

5. Re-do my room- Done

6. Go for Umrah- Haven’t

7. Meet Abudi again- Done, but in my own country

Unexpectedly done in 2005

1. Travelled to most parts of Malaysia

2. Went to the beach- 6 times!

3. Shopping spree in Singapore

4. Fell outta love

5. Fell in love

6. Ran away from home

So, it has been a rather blissful week for me, with numerous trips to Low Yat and Bukit Bintang to get new pc gadgets, hours at Starbucks so he could get wifi and finish up work, jogging at various parks in our neighborhood, Indian breakfast at our favourite mamak shop, playing PS2 with my favourite car game where i get to drive an almost real Lotus or Ferrari, shopping for makeup for me… and clothes for me…. and shoes for me….. and books for him….. and more PS2 games for him…….riding the roller coaster and all the death threatening rides at all the amusement parks… dining at McD and KFC and Outbacks Steakhouse and Planet Hollywood coz’ he can’t get these ‘halal’ in the US…letting Harvard dude tryout my precious Gen2 as i constantly remind him to stay on the left side of the road or he will always think we are in the land of Uncle Sam….. and that i love my car more than anything else in the world (after precious Snowy of course)… and just blissfully…. hanging out with each other…

Having to have this at the end of the year…. its perhaps the best-est way to wrap up a real roller-coaster year!!!

Me in a jolly mood

The second best friend

The hands of the workaholic/studyholic

Me the camera-confident

Him the camera-shy

Twinnie finally got engaged !!!!

(this is me looking like a sly cat)

This is the "guy" who’s gonna be my future bro-in-law (adik ipar- he’s a few months younger than me) Finally, i’m gonna get a younger brother!!!

My two best-est gals, Yom and Radin… Yom is a tsunami victim from Acheh (checkout the headgear fashion hehe). But in real life she’s an awesome auditor.

Yan (my favourite cousin) and Mass (colleague-cum-office-coffee-addict-partner)…

Twinnie tunjuk skill mengaji…..

Glad she is on the way to tie the knot- this will totally stir up the adrenaline rush for my parents…. and hopefully, a little less attention on me…. so that i can roam free and explore the world with no strings attached!! hehe

Obviuosly, all will ask when’s my turn, and must i remind everyone over and over again…. it’ll be in Vegas…. the Britney style… (since Britney has always been my greatest idol… heheh)…

Somehow this topic makes me realize that i could be saying that everyone else is not a free man except for me. So, how shall i say it?

I am liberated. I live in liberation. To liberate me.

I’m free!!!!

Exactly how i feel at the moment. Free to do whatever i want to do… because i am not answerable to anyone. Nobody died, but i have been placed (correction, i have placed) myself in a situation where i do not answer to orders nor do i seek permission.

Basically, i’m in a cold war with a certain somebody. A somebody who totally lock me up in a jail and makes my life a rather… living hell because i was not able to do as my heart wishes. (Yes, sounds like a brat,  but if you note down what my heart wishes for…. you will understand….)

Finally, i am liberated. I should have started this rebellion a long time ago…. but maybe i needed time to be employed and earn my own hard cash….

But today, i realized that life is going to change, for the better.

I never knew a cold war and a non-intervention policy could work wonders.

I love this position I am in now…. its great to finally get rid of the greates critique in your life. The greatest self esteem puncher, the person who never believes in you and always wanting you to prove whether things are wrong, or right.

I don’t care if we don’t start talking again, because as far as my life is concerned, i am done with talking. I don’t care if you throw me out of the house, because I don’t even wanna live there anymore… and i don’t think i should anyway, because how then would i learn independence and how to be accountable for matters on my own? And i don’t care if i don’t even get to marry legally, because i know there’s a lot of mazhabs to convert into.

I don’t care about what others think, or what you think anymore, because many times, its me who’s right and you who’s wrong, but i still had to prove myself over and over again… although i know i never did anything wrong.

And today, i’m glad i feel this way, because finally, i feel like i’m breathing again, on my own.

I had the finest drive to KLIA on morning to pickup my dude one sunny morning. When i was waiting at the airport, i’m glad his plane has landed, so that i don’t have to wait so long….. the anxiety…. totally kills. However i waited at the wrong wing of the Arrival Gate, having to have waited at an area where planes from Delhi landed instead of the American Eagle. And a really large plane from Delhi….. ladies in perfumed sari and men in….. white sarongs…and minyak rambut ? hehe

So my guy arrived at the other side of the gate and i thought i would sooo do that Hindi flick airport scene, you know, the one where the girl runs and the guy runs and the song starts to play and all goes slow motion, and when you finally meet, the crowd roars and claps.

Well, as much as how my life is really like a Hindi movie, this time, i decided to keep it off the movie scene. Hehe.

But what i felt at the airport was not something i wanted to feel again. Waiting in a moment of torment.

When we finally met, it was like life was resurrected, all worries are gone, because my Saviour was here to make things right.

So, among the many heartaches that you get from a long distance relationship is the agony and torture of waiting nervously at the airport, hoping that his plane had really… landed. And that thought totally kills.

I guess having your boyfriend back for the holiday isn’t such a big deal because two people are in love… they miss each other…. yada yada…

But for me, it was not about how much i am in love, or how much he misses me, but it was because i have been facing so much emotional torture over the past few months when he was gone… that as he landed, it was like my migraine has found its aspirin.

So a week has passed by and we are having the time of our lives, just hanging out and being close and for once… being together was not about introducing each other to our families- well, i sure am well-loved by his family, but he didn’t come from the land of pure weirdos, i do…. so people can pretty much guess how welcomed or unwelcomed he is in my so called family where i somehow also found myself (always!!) absolutely lost in a land of freaky parenthood and family ties.

Because of that, my love life had a twist in fate, and before, it used to be well planned and heading towards a certain something… but now…. we are just living for the moment. There are no expectations or obligations or people to pleased…. its just us…. and the rest of the world is asleep.

Welcome back, Aziz…. you sure landed at the right time.

The workaholic

Training him to buy food

The Dictator!!!!! (in love)

Waiting is somehow something i’m fated to do.

Probably bcoz i’m just too impatient, or perhaps… ill- fated.

Somehow, waiting has not really brought me any good, but merely… more dissapoinments.
There was a time when i was waiting for a certain someone so badly….. that when it finally came true, the game was over.

Today, i have placed myself in a rather similar position….. but hopefully a more realistic potential.

Sometimes its sad when people think that you are so naive. William Butler Yeats once said that grown ups always try to hide everyhting from the young ones; and that children actually knows everything.

Maybe those who think i am naive don’t know me at all.

I’ve always believed that relationships should bring out the best in you. That when you have a girlfriend, or for this matter, a boyfriend, they are supposed to make your life more meaningful, less havoc, less complicated, and very much more convenient.

Somehow in my years of finding this perfect package.. i came across many unsuitable relationships. Some were too havoc because there were too many lies. Some were inconvenient because of some geographical factor. Some were so complicated because there were some psychotic issues.

But today, i have found myself to be in the most convenient, less complicated, relaxed and most meaningful relationship ever.

Love finds you when you least expected it, encouraged it and are aware of it.

This thing happened to me. I think i’ve finally found a person who became the cheerleader in my so called life. Also a teacher in many areas, a financial adviser, an educationist, the problem solver, the peacemaker, the think tank (as my best gal Radin always puts it), the heart-melter, and most of all…. the understanding listener.

I found myself to be the most honest when i am talking to him. And i can do this with him because although he knows he can, but he never rules, never dictate, and always deal with matters, and with me, in the most democratic and diplomatic manner, even when he knows my headstrong will can be very very difficult to manage.

Thus, he becomes my passport to doing everyhting that i’ve ever longed to do for such a long long time. The constant motivator in my life, the cheerleader, the believer who sees so much in me and believes so much in me. Its not just about love, but its more than that. Its about having to say the right words at only the right time, and to say it the right way, the way it should be said. And having the pride to say sorry when its really your turn to apologize…. without feeling bad about losing the ego………. to have this in a relationship, is the greatest thing ever.

Its not just about love, or being in love, but its about what do you do when you are in love….

You back each other up, and you stay for the great moments, and you rise during the not-so great moments. And you stay for the right reasons. And you love for the right reasons.

Truly, The Saviour.

I am ‘The Obstacle’s’ headache. Or so, it seems.

And The Obstacle is the constant stumbling block and blockage system to my ambitions, aspirations and to do things in life.

It has been like this since i learned how to walk. This is somehow like having a grey cloud over your head for 24-7, and life becomes like a prison where you are screaming to breathe that you find yourself scratching your haed vigorously and pulling your hair like Emily Rose.

For some people, limited finances or education, or limited intellectuality or limited motivation becomes their stumbling block. At times, its due to the lack of common sense.

For me, The Obstacle comes in the form of a being. A human being.

It stops me from letting me dream. It banishes my ambition and crushes a bright future.

That’s why i’ve never stopped fighting, and never will. Even when i’m thrown with labels and more and more new, insulting labels, i don’t think i will ever stop fighting, as long as where my ambition is concerned.

Maybe this happens to allllllllllll ambitious people? Is there always a blockage system in every ambitious person’s life? A force that tries to stop you from maximising your potential and never and has never believed that you are good enough? A force that never trust you even when you have never done anything wrong? Did Bill Gates go through this? Mahathir? Ananda Krishnan?

Maybe.

Maybe i will always be, The Obstacle’s headache. And maybe there will always be an obstacle for me, until The Saviour comes along to give me back my sovereignity.

And i truly hope, The Saviour comes soon, becuase i truly cannot bear to live with The Obstacle anymore.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Somehow, this sounds more than just a song….

I just "love" sad tormented love songs…….