The Feline Territory

Something really interesting happened yesterday.

Yesterday, i talked to two people who gave me a wakeup call, on life, and the direction that i am heading. Both phonecalls left me certain, about what i really want in life, but it has also left me quite uncertain to what i’m really headed for.

One was a stranger, someone i’ve never met, but had the fortunate insights to know him a little through this wonderful thing called information technology.

The other is one of my best-est, closest and very much missed, girlfriend from uni who now lives in another country.

The stranger was giving me a wakeup call about where do i stand now, in something very important in my young life, and the repercussions that will be if i keep on doing what i do, and how, change… is although very hard, is somehow good… eventually.

The best friend made me think about relationships and how hard it can be on a person, or vice versa. And how we are always blinded in relationships, we are always blown away in the loveboat that we are in, and we just sail away… until we completely forget to reflect.

Both conversations led me to one simple conclusion: People are like the fork. When they do what they are not designed to do, they eventually break.

This is my 100th posting.

And i think i owe this opening and the celebration of my posting to something very crucial in our ummah today. Because this posting means a lot to me, it means that i have written A LOT, and it means that people do read, do comment, and do give a positive feedback. Because of that, i honour such a recognition, and shall somehow elevate my blog to something more than just plain readings.

Being the so-called feminist (not the anti-men type) that i am, i have to rather go back down to basics. What defines me as a human being is my religion, because that truly defines my way of life. And what defines me as a woman in the world today is how i ‘appear’ as a woman, and thats where the issue of HIJAB falls into place.

If you meet me in real life, one thing thats strikingly striking is the way i wear my hijab. Some finds it rather odd, others think its cute, some say it makes me look very arabian, but i just think its pretty comfy to wear it the way it is.

I think my hijab truly DEFINES me. I’m conservative, yet open minded. And i always wanna be modern, but i wanna be obligated to my beliefs too.

I wanna be a woman, but i wanna be strong. I wanna do all things, but i think i want to still, carry my pride with me.

And i think, the hijab allows me to do this. It keeps me sophisticated, because it shines the principles that i hold, but my character nourishes my thirst for life, and whats out there… i do wear the wrong things, and say things the wrong way, and is far from being perfect, but yet, i’m still, very very much grounded.

And i wouldnt be able to do this, without the hijab. It keeps me safe and it keeps me alert on how far the line is, whether i’ve passed it, or am i still safe on the other side.

Some say the fight for FEMINISM is about equal rights, and the rights to vote and affirmative action. For heavens sake, thats pretty irrelevant in the world today because slavery ended 200 years ago, and in this country,democracy is practised by both gender.

But to me, the celebration of women goes beyond that. This UMMAH needs more than a Sophie Kinsella who entertains us with her Shopaholic series (something i find very hard to digest…) and the Carrie gal in Sex and the city and the shoes she wears and the Erra Fazira and how the world pities her for marrying the cassanova she married when she knew from the beginning he was an ultimate playboy.

THIS UMMAH NEEDS A WAKEUP CALL.

It needs to realize that its more about about Khadijah, Aishah, Ummi Khaltum and the girls who lives in modernity and how well you can marry the two.

Because that, is how i want to be defined.

Sometimes, you just wanna strut it all, but when the Almighty says…..

"And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and guard their private parts from sin and not show of their adornment except only that which is apparent, and draw their headcovers over their necks and bosoms and not reveal their adornment except to And that they should not I strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And 0 you Believers! Turn you all together towards Allah in repentence that you may be successful." (24:31)

…..then you are just reminded that theres more to life than just life per say. Theres the afterlife, which some of us, and even me, tend to forget, and is often swayed away by the luxurious lifestyle we women of leisure are pampered with.

Unless, of course, you hold on to something that keeps you truly, naturally, very well grounded.

And i think, i have found that in the pretty scrves i wear everyday.

People always say that if you watch hindi movies so much, you become one of those "Hindi freaks". But for me, theres something really noble about how Yash Chopra made Veer-Zaara. Its patriotic (like all Hindi films), its about undying love and very very gorgeous characters.

Maybe its just me, maybe its my Indie blood screeaming its way outta my veins…

Or maybe, its the way they run in the paddy field, in their best costumes and the breeze in the hair….

Whatever the reason may be, hindi flicks could either de-stress me or vice versa.

I could either be laughing at its "stereotypre-comic" storyline…

Or i would be saying…. "Gosh, this is sooo me!!"

So, call me a hindi freak all you want, i never bother being "label-lized", but you all just have to watch Veer-Zaara, because it is truly… a thing of beauty.

Ladies and Gents…. here’s my fave song of all time: (with the translation)

p.s: i can really sing it in real life… of course, without the retro-flex pronunciation!! (gotta move to India to gain that!!) 

MAIN YAHAAN HOON

One thing that really thrills me is fake, long… eyelashes.

Had the chance to put one of those "camel"-like lashes this morning in my "image consultant" class……..(in more un-sophisticated language: my dumb-blonde experiment of enrolling in a Professional Make-up Course)  hehe

I felt like i have turned into a real primadona….. it was like as if those lashes has put some hocus-pocus spell on me and "poof"!!- I turned into a real drama queen!!! So flattery……, bimbo-ish and very very girlyyyyyyy…

Gosh………. the wonders of cosmetics……. and some say makeup can only do so much……. I’m sure the creaters of Bobbi Brown and Stila will beg to differ!!

Playing with fake eyelashes can be sooo stress-releasing. A must try!!

The insurance company sent me a letter today to remind me to renew my car insurance.

This will cost me a bomb, on top of it all, i will be paying for many other bills….. and therefore, i have to make myself clear to all: i’m really broke.

There will be no more casual visits to shopping malls, especially KLCC, because casual visit will always turn into ‘break-my-wallet’ visits.

I won’t be travelling all the way from KL to Cherating just to enjoy the smell of the sea breeze….. unless it’s a company’s outing…

I will continue to be the cheapskate that i am, with unbranded jeans, hand me downs from my sisters and aunties (mainly sweaters that i wear to work), the jewellery that i wear are all gifts from my father- i’ve never had enough money to buy one of my own, and the looks of it….. might almost never for now.

2006 is gonna be a really ‘tight’ year for me. Thanks to my new attitiude towards an awesome investment savings plan and my Gen2 (insurance, maintenance, and the neighbour hit the bumper last week…..), i think i’m slowly maturing into a real adult. Which is good, because thats what i’ve always wanted.

To be stressed over things that i can call my own. One day i’ll probably have a business of my own, or a family of my own, kids of my own….. and i’ll fuss over them. I’m sure when that happens, i will have to squeeze a lot more than today.

To think about the matter from another point of view- its good to be broke. At least its for a good cause, and i know my car is secured, i know that every ride i take everyday in that car is insured for. And, truly, its really satisfying to just watch my bank book gets printed with many many symbols of figures…. a sign that a good investment is in the making…….

So, nevermind those unbranded jeans…. and using the same old dull bag….. and stealing shoes from my twin….. and those sweaters that i didn’t really buy on my own.

Some people needs the flashy stuff to boost their ego and moltivation. I’d like that too if i can afford it, but as for now, i think a car insurance and a stable bank account is the thing that defines security, and stability for me.

2006 is going to be a squeezy-tight year for me!!

Come march 24 and i will be 25 years old.

If you want to buy me gifts, bear in mind that i really want those books that Hilary and Bill Clinton wrote- in paperback.

I’m not a big flower fan, so don’t buy me flowers, unless its those gigantic pink english roses with a small teddy stuck in the middle of it. Send it to No. 11, Taman Zaaba, Taman Tun Dr, Ismail, 60000 KL.

If you wanna sms, my cell is 012-3070397. But, i would rather you call because my cellphone is contaminated with too many unused song downloads, the memory space is overflowing with junk.

Turning 25 is a mighty big deal for me. Its like hitting a quarter-life. The first thing that came ti mind: Oh God, 5 more years to turning 30!! I really gotta do allllllllll of those things before i hit the big 3-0…..

Well, not really. Age is only a number. And so they say.

But i wanna be BIG, i wanna be AWESOME and i want to do a lot of things.
At almost 25 today, i feel like i have not yet gone anywhere and done anything.

Yeah i went to school. It was a spoilt brats school and nobody was an intellectual.
I went to uni. It was memorable and was a big impact, but sooooo many people went to uni.. so what?
I started working, and everybody who reaches a certain age starts working, so what?
I bought a car… big deal, it was a matter of forking out the money and vehicle maintenance.

But then again, age define people’s impression on you and expectations….

25. What does the society expect out of a scrawny 25 year old malaysian female?

Dah kahwin?
I am not, and no hope yet so far. Far, far away from the road to matrimonial.

Dah kerja?
Yeah…. corporate executive a.k.a. corporate headache.

Ada duit ke ni?
hhmm…. 4 credit cards and still manageble….

Orang senang?
Got a car but had to buy it on my own coz father is no millionaire.

Ada rupa tak?
Short and …. truly believes in the wonders of Bobbi Brown and MAC cosmetics.

Ada pelajaran ke?
A Degree in English Language & Literature. Tell it to a makcik and she’ll think i spent 5 and a half years studying the language of the kafir,,,, but its truly a wonder why i also wear the hijab…

25…… an age when people will truly think a little differently about you. And its for you to care and weep or to just not care and say that its your life and thus, your own wishes on how to sail your boat.

I don’t really care about social stigma.

I care about my ambition. And i fear, that at 25, i have not yet achieved what i think i can achieve. At 25, i realize whats been stopping me all these while, but i haven’t the courage the banish that obstacle.

At 25, my life crisis has just started.

I just had to pick up a book with a love theme today.

From ‘Man and Wife’, by Tony Parsons. This book was placed at the lowest level of my dinky book shelf, because I read it like three years ago.

But i remember by heart one quote, that keeps on haunting me, moving me, and truly, defines me:

"We all deserve a second chance to find the love we crave, we all warrant another go at our happy ending, one final attempt to turn our life into something from one of those songs you loved so much.

You know.

One of those old songs."

I’ve never really celebrated Valentine’s Day. I think its cute when you get a rose, or pretty cards, or jewellery (wow!), or candies or chocolates on February 14.

But, i can’t remember getting any of those. Oh yeah, except for a dinky handmade card this boy in my form three class gave me because his love for me was unrequited. But, that doesn’t count.

I wonder why? Maybe because i’m so freakily disoriented from the normal "girl" population. I don’t obey boys. I hate boys who are underdogs. I hate boys who doesn’t learn on how to become a man or how to even become a gentleman. I think all men should be workaholics, because the way i see it, Malaysia has a very patriarchal future, so all males should work harder than their female counterparts. Its a shame that we have more girls than boys in our local unis, and its even a bigger shame that somehow society still hasn’t change their outlook. I always observe the limits- not to give too much of your heart, always reserve some for yourself. And once again, i’ve turned all feminist…… gosh, i was meant to write a lovely blog and get all lovey-dovey about valentine’s day….. now looks like i’ve started a rage against incompetent boys.

In short, i think i have an entirely different interpretation of love.

And perhaps thats why, on Valentines day, i’m jinxed.

Again, this year, i’m having another bittersweet valentine. I don’t mind wishing others to have an awesome valentine, i think the idea of wishing good wishes and love is simply heavenly. But this time around, i will again, start the day like any other day: wakeup at 6am. shower. wait for the azan. pray subh. dress for work. put on lipgloss and eyeliner. start the Gen2. drive to work.

Except, my good friend Mass and i are going for a kickboxing session after work today. We both have boyfriends and our list is long, but by choice, we are both boyfriend-less and thats a good thing because we get to spend more time searching for our inner being. To explore feminity and celebrate our independence: financial, emotional, mental. To focus on ourselves and our ultimate dream career. Once we’re married, we will never get all this again. Unless of course, we marry Superman- but he doesnt exist except in Marvel comics and Smallville. To spend Valentine’s day doing kickboxing with Mass is the absolute celebration- because she’s the most independent gal among all the gals that i know. Thus, with Mass, there’s no fuss and you feel like you are truly awakened to the modern malaysian women- no male dominance to ruin our day.(again…… my inner feminism is throwing a backlash……)

Happy Valentines day to all………… although honestly, i think the celebration of love, is much bigger than just a Valentine’s day card, or cookies, or flowers, or dinner at The San Francisco Steakhouse………

Love, above all, in my humble opinion, is about loyalty, trust and sincerity. Just three main keys. And so many of us, forgets this. You buy that Prada bag for her, but you lie all the way. She waves you goodbye as you drop her off from that dinner date you had at Victoria Station, but the minute she gets home, she calls the ‘other’ mr boyfriend. He says he trusts you, but he calls you every single half an hour just to check on you. She doesn’t like you hanging out with your boyfriends on a boys nite out because she assumes you will be shagging another blondie. She doesn’t like you hanging out with friends from uni or work who has known you much longer than her just because they are of the female gender. He doesnt allow you to have verbal contacts with other men because he thinks you are drop dead gorgeous and all the boys will court you and you will recipocrate.

You do all this, but yet you giddily celebrate February 14. Pretty sweet bullshit.

Somehow, its a lot easier to dwell in the misconception of love rather than to handle the truth. Somehow, its a lot easier to giddily go out on that dinner date and celebrate February 14 rather than to face the brutal facts.

I think unfortunately, i face too much of the brutal facts that i have raised my mental capacity into a land of metaphysical awareness. I think most people worry too much about buying the flowers that they have forgotten to cherish the trust. I think most people are unable to see beyond the physical.

And thats why, i dont get flowers on February 14

I’m currently reading a book thats so wonderfully researched and written, that i had to leave behind a Middle Eastern dramatic novel i was reading before.

"Good to Great" by Jim Collins.

Some of the interesting things mentioned are the ways to deal with the brutal facts but then not to lose faith by doing so.

To relate this to my status quo: I need to deal with the fact that i’m currently not happy about "something." This something has been bugging me for few months, and i’m not sure whether i’m dealing really well with it. I need to realize that "hey, this is a problem", and i need to tackle this issue. I’ve been denying a lot of things, and i’ve been ignoring some of my given talent just to pursue doing the ‘right’ thing. In my journey of continuing to do the ‘right’ thing and the ‘wise’ thing, i’ve forgotten that i can actually do the ‘great’ thing. And with this realization, i discovered this book, which might be the answer to so many quizzical jargons flying in the air.

Point number two from the book is to ‘not blame the leader’. This is quite apparent to the fact that i work in a big company where most bosses has been hanging around for many many years, and as a young staff, i would tag along with my other colleagues and always blaming our incompetent bosses who produce such and incompetent system. I need to stop this attitude of mine and stop blaming others who i ‘think’ are responsible for such unsatisfactory policy or job.

Then, to be from ‘good’ to ‘great’, one must realize that ‘facts are better than dreams’. I might dream of becoming the next General Manager of whatsoever department or division of any big gun company. Truth be told, i dont wanna work the long hours, i hate writing Board papers that requires thorough Financial Analysis that even the finance executive in my company can’t figure the math. Finance is so not my cup of tea. I don’t like to deal with numbers. I am so bad with numbers. There is no way i can be a damn General Manager. Truth be told again, i ‘dont’ wanna be a GM. So, i can dream of sitting in a black leather chair as a GM, but thats only a dream. The fact is, i would rather be sitting on a hard wooden chair, in front of a laptop, writing away…. composing…. like what i’m doing now. In short, realizing one’s talent. In short also, realizing what you’re good at , and at the same time realizing the skills that you have.

This is the fourth weekend that i have spent just bumming at home, and doing only these three main things: Surf the net, watched 12 episodes of Gilmore Girls (marathon) and reading.

However, i think such a weekend is the most productive i’ll ever have. To become from ‘good to great’, i need to realize that theres something missing in my life. Theres something that i want more. I cannot settle with just a 9-5 job and an average 35,000 ringgit a year paycheck (including bonusses), with a kind of ‘blur’ career planning and career path…. i think i am becoming a mediocre.

And i am never mediocre. I was never a mediocre. I had always been something more, something not just typical, not just "among" the girls. I had always been, in my own personal analysis, something ‘great’.

But today, i don’t feel that way. Today, i feel like i’m ‘good’, but thats all.

As i watched the character "Rory" in Gilmore Girls, i realized how much i miss University days. Rory went to Yale and had dreams ahead of her and theres so much to plan, to look forward to. I was just like that, i had so many things planned ahead of, of what i was going to be and going to do when i graduate.

But today, those thoughts are lost in my everyday routine of being just a plain corporate executive. Ok, this… then what?

With all these questions in my head…….. i have fallen into a mental depression.

I eventually picked up the book and continue reading.

I still haven’t found my answers yet. Maybe this book will help me to help myself.

"Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own"

Tough, you think you’ve got the stuff
You’re telling me and anyone
You’re hard enough

You don’t have to put up a fight
You don’t have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don’t have to go it alone

And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you when I don’t pick up the phone
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I…that’s alright
We’re the same soul
I don’t need…I don’t need to hear you say
That if we weren’t so alike
You’d like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don’t have to go it alone

And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you when I don’t pick up the phone
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own

I know that we don’t talk
I’m sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you’re the reason I sing
You’re the reason why the opera is in me…

Where are we now?
I’ve still got to let you know
A house still doesn’t make a home
Don’t leave me here alone…

And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own
Sometimes you can’t make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own

I’m not a big U2 fan, but i do push up the volume whenever this song is playing on MTV, and i’m very aware of the lyrics. Ever since i watched and heard Bono’s speech at a Harvard commencement on video, i developed some sense of different respect towards the rock singer. And i’m glad, this is ‘Grammy’s’ pick forthe song of the year. Its true, sometimes you can’t make it on your own.

There are times when we feel like we’d rather walk down that path alone, and we feel so bold and boastful, thinking that we don’t need anyone in sight. Sometimes i feel that way when things get rough, but perhaps we thought vanishing the others is the easiest way to go.

But then again, no man is an island, and it is, lonely at the top.

U2 rocks.