The Feline Territory

It just wasn’t one of those days. Its was a day when all fails and we hit rock-bottom.
I just had one of those days.

Working on an urgent project is bound to make you burn out. I’m involved in a super-mega project thats got so much urgency in it- it drives every one up the wall.

The worst thing is that i thought i could handle the stress. I thought i was much better than this. But i fail too to rise to the surface. I needed to break down for a moment and let loose.

It just happened. And it didn’t feel good when it happened. Its like a madding throbbing migraine. It starts with you snapping at every other person you meet and began cursing and sending hate messages.

It triggered a month ago when i found myself awake by 4am thinking about my project. I could think of nothing else but my project. There isn’t anything else much more important than this.

Nobody else matters. Nothing else matters. Everything else has become second best, i placed them on the backseat. There is nothing else that i wanted so much than to succeed. Nothing else matters. Everything else is a shutdown but this project.

This project is the thing that keeps me alive, the one that keeps me breathing.

Its like ive been completely possessed, hypnotized.

I fell in love with my project, my work, my ambition.

So when that fails me, it made me stumble and i lost my wits for a moment.

The good thing about life is the friends you have, the colleagues around you.

Everybody became my strength of support- everybody understood the pressure i was in, the pressurising involvement.

Me breaking down was a ground breaking episode.

I was sober a bit after. I guess, i probably needed a breather. I needed to let go.

But then i also needed to come back and face the bad weather again. The project isn’t over yet, we have not yet seen the biggest wave.

I could do two things- i could either stay down under or i could rise above the expectations. I decided to do the latter and think like a winner.

Even if i didn’t win, i wouldn’t really fail either.

Even if i reach for the sky and couldn’t get the moon, i could probably still get a handful of stars

Di daun yang ikut mengalir lembut
terbawa sungai ke ujung mata
dan aku mulai takut terbawa cinta
menghirup rindu yang sesakkan dada

jalanku hampa dan kusentuh dia
terasa hangat oh didalam hati
kupegang erat dan kuhalangi waktu
tak urung jua kulihatnya pergi

tak pernah kuragu dan slalu kuingat
kerlingan matamu dan sentuhan hangat
ku saat itu takut mencari makna
tumbuhkan rasa yg sesakkan dada

kau datang dan pergi oh begitu saja
smua kutrima apa adanya
mata terpejam dan hati menggumam
di ruang rindu kita bertemu ..

bertemu

I can’t seem to get over the fantastic weekend i had.  put on the big blue hat and and the rest is history. The whole battalion in my family flew ourselves to Langkawi for twinnie’s wedding reception which turned out to be more of a seafood galore and constant swim in the sea.

Twinnie got hitched and i found myself to have a younger bro-in law who i can bully to death hehe. The good thing is he is a bit younger than me, and another good thing is that i’ve known him since i was 18, so it really feels like getting an ex-uni mate as a family member. Go figure!

I bruised one of my toes while jumping like a monkey into the gothic tasik of Pulau Dayang Bunting. Now i’m wearing slippers to work and i look damn selekeh in it. But, what the heck, it was hell of a good dive into the freshwater pond- my cousin even got it on video

The beach takes worries off my chest. There is nothing more romantic than the seaview. There is nothing better than being by the waves. I am so in love with beachlife. The beach makes me switch off my work mode and psychotic mode and tune it into "Happy mode".

Thank you, Langkawi.

My eldest sister, Farah Natchiar

My younger sis Imara Natchiar
(jumping into Dayang Bunting lake)

The cousins heading for white sands and blue water

Family lunch- an everyday fiesta!

The view from my hotel room

At Tun Mahathir’s Bakery!

On the sunset cruise

My hotel  and its yacht

Langkawi from the top

I did twinnie’s makeup!

No need for words. Twinnie’s Langkawi wedding reception was a marathon of beach-swimming and constant sun bathing! Like no other!

I thought i was the only one having a dilemma about career progression right now. OK, me and my Proton buddy who becomes each other’s punchbag every single day in our every single conversation about Proton and our workloads.

I’m the Nerd Who Wears Dior (as a lipstick) and he’s the Nerd Who Wears Oakley (as a pair of glasses).

We’re both having massive internal-within-ourselves issues about work. Our bosses have extreme expectations upon us, but people take advantage of us when we deliver.

Sometimes u can feel really down when your hard earned work isn’t compensated fairly.

Anyway, when we think like we were the only ones having a career-oriented problem- sitting there, staring at our Kopi O and just confessing to each other the donkey jobs we’ve been doing all day, the HR Director turned up and joined us. I first thought he could have some answers to my internal-depression queries, but he instead announced his resignation from the company.

Bummer.. just when i thought he would be a soul-motivator, he had to drop the bomb into my Kopi O. And i thought Nerdy Oakley and i are the only ones who are having massive career progression problem.

But whats true about this whole thing is that we are all humans, no matter where we are, who we are and where we’re at. For someone who were as high in position as he is, he looked the exact fear just like it would be on anybody else’s face who was resigning. Nervous. Unsure. A big burden off his chect.

Worst, the MD joined us in his kain pelekat and he was the very image of a Tok Penghulu. I cannot get the picture outta my head. He said kenapa kerja teruk sangat ni becoz i was still in my stinky Proton uniform eating stinky food and looked real stinky thanks to my groggy zombie eyes.

I’m so dazed these days. Life is hell-ish with this project of mine. I really cannot wait for it to launch in less than 50 days!!

I think this Kopitiam is off limits for me right now. I wanted to get dinner and a peace of mind… i got the exact contrary instead. So much for hoping i’m the old with the big problem with workloads…. someone had worst.

Here’s the summary of my thought process:

I am unable to cope with work
I’m blown away because of work
I am not analyzing my actions well enough becoz of  work
Twinnie’s wedding is finally done- i didnt get the chance to take that many photos!
Ive offcially turned into a workaholc

Tomorow i’m on leave… and thats what matters now! Yeah!!!

I really really wonder if i will ever get to see the marriage of Proton and VW?

Maybe by that time, many changes has already taken place.

Maybe by that time, things will still remain the same.

Being in Proton is always about being a part of the pride of the nation. Or so, sometimes it feels that way. But, is it really?

I had a conversation today with a colleague about wearing a "Proton" uniform to work. For us, it makes life easier because we don’t have to choose anything else from the closet. However, for the first time in my life, i heard some say that he’s proud to wear a shirt that has a Proton badge on it. It hit me hard and i found myself to be rather numb for a few minutes.

I cannot fully disagree. He spoke what i really felt inside. Our company is in a turmoil. We are trying to manage a crisis. We are trying to win a war.
We are trying to get married to one of the world’s biggest Auto Giant. But, we still fail in making revenues right now.

Print media is making a lot of money out of us through the articles they write about. The cars, the stocks, the strategic alliance and the many "talks" that has been going on.

Are we still the pride of the nation? Can i agree with the statement my colleague made? Proud to wear the uniform?

One thing’s for sure- he’s braver than me in admitting the truth. He said it so bluntly, so freely. Like there’s no worry, fear or guilt. And he’s the one who just tendered his resignation.

And i’m still here. And i will still be here for now and for time to come.

The truth is, i feel exactly the same way. Proud. Its about pride. But i will never ever say it. I’m not that brave to admit it. I still fear that saying it would me i have some obligations to stay loyal. Because i have no obligations to stay loyal. I say what i hate about the company. I say those things bluntly.

But, truth also be told- I am not proud of wearing the uniform, but i am not ashamed either.

But today- as i spent another Saturday in the office finishing up more work, i realized how difficult it is for us to get married. For Proton to get married. To anyone. Its like being in a muddied relationship where the guy is offering a 24k ring but the girl still cannot decide.

Because a marriage of two companies- is like a marriage of two souls. You tie the knot, you’re gonna have to also live with all the flaws. Before that, you will also see all of the claws. And that, can be scary. That is what intimidates us.

But, when you’re really really broke, you cannot live alone, can you?

You might as well marry an old rich hag who has no compatibility whatsoever with you than to die a lonely death.

But that, is only in theory and is only applicable for company strategy.

In real human life, its all about choices. Its either you make the right one or not.

Last weekend, i decided to be fuel-savvy and took the LRT to KLCC. There are moments in our lives that stays with us for a lifetime just because at that point in time, we were so in-tuned with the situations we were facing. LRT rides made me nausea. Faces looking at me. ME looking at faces. LRT rides makes me miss my uni days so much. It makes me regain FLASHBACKS of those days when i didn’t have a car and will always get tired of taking trains to everywhere. I was desperate to get out of uni and move on with my adult life. I thought, total happyness begins with THAT kind of liberation.

Life has elevated from there. Last weekend, THAT train ride made me feel nostalgic. I remembered Nujaidah, my roomate and best friend- who i longed to see after graduation, but we parted and we parted till now. With her, in our small hostel room, we cursed the illogical tight regulations of UIA and we buried ourselves in our books and we got through hellish days of exams and those nerve-wrecking Arabic presentations.. and we managed to get through. Happyness to us was passing the Arabic exam.

Life has elevated itself from there. But me and her- i think a big part of us remained the same. I never saw her again. We met once after graduation and that was the last. But i think although we never met again, i know deep inside that both of us remembered how all we wanted at that time was to ace every test and graduate with honors. THAT was major, honorable happyness to us. 

I took a lot of LRT rides with her. We liked KLCC the best.

With these FLASHBACKS, i realized how i’ve been so absorbed into the patterns of my life after graduation that i never really took a step back to observe and analyze the things that i have today. The things that i lack yesterday and the things that has in many ways improve my quality of life.

WAGES. That changed me. Money can change you. It became my definition of success. My outline of complete happyness. I became very Donald Trump in philosophy and wanted to build my wealth, own properties and just be happy to have a lot of money. Dollars and cents became my definition of success and its still is for me today. Which is weird, because i never was this weird last time.

What truly makes you a real success?

Is it money, or the fact that you have changed towards the better?

Do i now have money or have i changed towards the better? I am still paying student loans and car instalment. I still haven’t achieved my dream career. I still don’t own property.

But that doesnt mean that i cannot be happy.

Some of us are happy to be less cliche’ than others. I don’t know about you, but i find it hard to be less normal. Its hard to be the only one thats going against the waves.

For some 26-year olds, happyness is defined by early motherhood, early baby-duties and house-boundary. For some OTHER 26-year olds, happyness is greatly defined by massive career development and stepping-up-that corporate ladder kinda lingo.

You think some changes in life can make you happy because others had it done so well. A close friend of mine thought an early marriage could save her from years of torture living in a broken home. She THOUGHT she was happy then when i knew she was making a mstake. She made a mistake in defining what happyness meant to her. It was until she finally had a baby that she realized she didn’t want to be saved, but she wanted just to get away. After her abrupt divorce, happyness just wouldn’t follow her because she never really appreciated the happyness she had.

This is a cliche’ example of an analysis, isn’t it? LIFE is never as easy as either THIS or THAT. There are moments when i believe that you can never be REALLY happy in life. In your aims of finding one happyness, another block will stumble and you will never run out of misery. Maybe that is God’s way of showing us BALANCE.

So that we’ll appreciate what we never had and live in happyness for the things we have today.

I drove home today tired, hungry and almost in a state of fatigue at 9.45pm It was a long drive home. Its always a long drive home everyday. But at least, i’m not riding the LRT anymore.

I’ve gotten to new heights now. I’ve met new people. But i hold on to old beliefs.

Happyness for me, is to embrace life as a whole. Life and its imperfections. In pursuit of happyness, i have to pursue the jitters that comes with it. Perhaps there are times when we think that we aren’t happy- we actually are the opposite.

I’m always happy when i put on my favourite trench coat made of baby lamb leather. This is me feeling giddy at Upper East Side, NYC

Ok, at least i am able to look forward to SOMETHING this weekend! My favourite diamond shop- The LOVE Diamond Boutique sent me an invitation to their Open Day of Wedding Bliss and i am very thrilled to attend!!

Margaret McCullum (so called ultimate wedding planner) will also be featured in this event

There will also be a Makeup-Makeover (Yippee!) for me to groom my bridal makeup skills and Professional Photographer theme - all in one package for the event.

Gosh, there’s something about weddings that keeps the flowers in the air these days, huh? Twinnie is getting hitched in a week’s time and some of my girlfriends are already planning their invitation cards. So, for my friends- i will attend this invitation for you- maybe might get some pretty good ideas.

For me, i am just highly interested in the big shiny rock

Focus is something i lack on hot sunny beautiful weekends.
Its hard to stay focused on office work and keep on typing on thy lappie at home when my work station consists of:
a garden environment- a closed up patio with brick walls overlooking a small garden
chirping birds happily singing
MacBook playing tunes from Justin Timberlake
Wi-fi Streamyx

My fixed intermission while typing away:
Imagining i’m in a large meadow in Switzerland overlooking the French Alps (argh! tak boleh concentrate!)
Changing songs from Justin to Britney to Michael Buble
Surfing www.prada.com

There’s this word my ex-boss used to pronounce: MULTITASK. Not to say that she was really good at it either. She had SUBORDINATES. I only have myself.

Yesterday and today, i MULTITASKED myself by doing work and shopping. Work is my agenda, shopping is my intermission.

They say, its not WHERE you are that matters (to stay focused), its WHAT you are. This weekend, i am anywhere but HERE.

Later today i’ll be driving over to KLCC for some Starbucks-cum-doing-office-work-at-Starbucks and also some window shopping. Ketagih! All these madness is turning me into a shop junkie! I HATE it.

I hate being a bimbo who cannot get enough of retail theraphy!

I thought i was much stronger than THIS.

Anyway, If i may wrap up how i spent my weekend, i’d say this: It was full of office work and shopping craze all sandwiched into one.