The Feline Territory

Born on the 4th of July. Aziz Bakar turned 30 today. I’ve been looking forward to today for the past many many months.

I thought of shipping a Calvin Klein wallet to make his day, but the banker in him told me to not waste the cash and pay up my car loan quickly. So, i e-mailed an e-card instead.

He is extra-ordinary to me. Even when he’s far away, he inspire me in many ways. Even if we went parted ways, he’s still one of the most influential people i’ve ever met my entire life.

There are some individuals in our lives who walks into this thing called "our life" and stays there forever. Even though they physically "leave", their souls, anecdotes and everything else stays with you.

Its hard being in a long-distance relationship because you don’t get to celebrate birthdays together. You miss out on the best things to celebrate on and you miss out on the sweet little things you take for granted. You miss each other so much that you don’t miss each other anymore. But, its worth it with him.

At least, with him, i am inspired.

Boy: (rubbing his eyes, took off his glasses)

Girl: Walked into the room.

Boy: (who wears glasses, is now having his glasses in his hands instead on top of his nose- looks at the girl) "Wow u look pretty even when i’m not wearing glasses".

Girl: Annoyyed.

Boy: But its now my sight is blur.

Girl: Annoyyed.

Boy: You’re pretty even when its blur.

Girl: Annoyyed.

Boy: You’re pretty. Pretty blur.

p/s: This was a real life situation.

When you work under stress, its good to have a "feel-good" thing going on. Just because you play a tough guy doesn’t mean you are one. Gosh, stress can be hard to get out of. Especially when you are living on someone else’s standards. One project could change your life radically. It changes everything.

Its ok to feel like falling. Thats when you need to create a "feel-good" notion.

Like a "feel-good" weekend that i’m having. My feel-good weekend consists of Friday nite at Tasik Biru near best-gal’s Lily’s place. Location: Cow-boy town, in between Sg Buloh and Kuang. Scenery: Run-down lake. We were sitting on plastic chairs, overseeing the lake. We could see nothing but still waters and a run-down boat. It feels like Dawson Creek. Malay songs ringing in our ears… the stalls next door cruising with loud karaoke.

Yup, no better way to chill than the good old Malaysian way. I was in my pyjamas, it was 10.00pm at nite. Fishing. Yup, Lily and i was chatting and it gave me the opportunity to listen to her woes rather than mine. We spent the nite with fish and still waters, and with each other. I found myself to be at her apartment the next morning at 8am, and we stayed in bed, staring at the ceiling till 11am. There’s nothing better than a feel-good situation like this. With a feel-good girlfriend and just doing nothing.

Then i had a feel-good outing with Radin and Nad. With Lily, it was all quiet and intimate. With these girls.. its all loud and party. They are my feel-good companions too.

I wanted everything about this weekend to be a feel-good thinggy. From the friends that i’m with to the places that i go to and the things that i do. I had a bad, bad Friday and therefore i deserve this- all out

You know we sometimes feel all wrecked-up and we still have to go to work the next day. So, you put on your feel-good shirt. Except, i wear uniforms, so i put on my feel-good shoes. Maybe some feel-good lipgloss

After this, i’m meeting Zuree for some feel-good coffee and a good-time chat. Definitely at TTDI, our feel-good neighbourhood. I made sure, i did not go to work this weekend even though there are many pending items. Sorry Proton, you cannot snatch this weekend away from me.

I also spent this morning in my pyjamas watching MTV. I love i love i love Fergie’s new Video- Big Girls Dont Cry. You see, MTV is my feel-good channel. It takes my mind off the important things in life. Music videos can very much be a stress-releasing pill.

I also found a feel-good guy along the way. Its a stress-free affair with no strings attached. These affairs are good when you need a punching bag or a date for a wedding. Or like when you want nothing out of a sandwich but u want a sandwich kinda thing.

All i need right now is a feel-good holiday. Just like the one i had in Langkawi. Just, maybe better. I need to go to the ocean again, to hit the beach and wear the blue hat. Maybe this time, i’ll bring along a feel-good pario.

Please go and try this out. Believe me, it works.

Radin and Nad in their feel-good walk

Me and Nad and our feel-good smiles

Dinner at the feel-good eatery

At the feel-good lake

It just wasn’t one of those days. Its was a day when all fails and we hit rock-bottom.
I just had one of those days.

Working on an urgent project is bound to make you burn out. I’m involved in a super-mega project thats got so much urgency in it- it drives every one up the wall.

The worst thing is that i thought i could handle the stress. I thought i was much better than this. But i fail too to rise to the surface. I needed to break down for a moment and let loose.

It just happened. And it didn’t feel good when it happened. Its like a madding throbbing migraine. It starts with you snapping at every other person you meet and began cursing and sending hate messages.

It triggered a month ago when i found myself awake by 4am thinking about my project. I could think of nothing else but my project. There isn’t anything else much more important than this.

Nobody else matters. Nothing else matters. Everything else has become second best, i placed them on the backseat. There is nothing else that i wanted so much than to succeed. Nothing else matters. Everything else is a shutdown but this project.

This project is the thing that keeps me alive, the one that keeps me breathing.

Its like ive been completely possessed, hypnotized.

I fell in love with my project, my work, my ambition.

So when that fails me, it made me stumble and i lost my wits for a moment.

The good thing about life is the friends you have, the colleagues around you.

Everybody became my strength of support- everybody understood the pressure i was in, the pressurising involvement.

Me breaking down was a ground breaking episode.

I was sober a bit after. I guess, i probably needed a breather. I needed to let go.

But then i also needed to come back and face the bad weather again. The project isn’t over yet, we have not yet seen the biggest wave.

I could do two things- i could either stay down under or i could rise above the expectations. I decided to do the latter and think like a winner.

Even if i didn’t win, i wouldn’t really fail either.

Even if i reach for the sky and couldn’t get the moon, i could probably still get a handful of stars

Di daun yang ikut mengalir lembut
terbawa sungai ke ujung mata
dan aku mulai takut terbawa cinta
menghirup rindu yang sesakkan dada

jalanku hampa dan kusentuh dia
terasa hangat oh didalam hati
kupegang erat dan kuhalangi waktu
tak urung jua kulihatnya pergi

tak pernah kuragu dan slalu kuingat
kerlingan matamu dan sentuhan hangat
ku saat itu takut mencari makna
tumbuhkan rasa yg sesakkan dada

kau datang dan pergi oh begitu saja
smua kutrima apa adanya
mata terpejam dan hati menggumam
di ruang rindu kita bertemu ..

bertemu

I can’t seem to get over the fantastic weekend i had.  put on the big blue hat and and the rest is history. The whole battalion in my family flew ourselves to Langkawi for twinnie’s wedding reception which turned out to be more of a seafood galore and constant swim in the sea.

Twinnie got hitched and i found myself to have a younger bro-in law who i can bully to death hehe. The good thing is he is a bit younger than me, and another good thing is that i’ve known him since i was 18, so it really feels like getting an ex-uni mate as a family member. Go figure!

I bruised one of my toes while jumping like a monkey into the gothic tasik of Pulau Dayang Bunting. Now i’m wearing slippers to work and i look damn selekeh in it. But, what the heck, it was hell of a good dive into the freshwater pond- my cousin even got it on video

The beach takes worries off my chest. There is nothing more romantic than the seaview. There is nothing better than being by the waves. I am so in love with beachlife. The beach makes me switch off my work mode and psychotic mode and tune it into "Happy mode".

Thank you, Langkawi.

My eldest sister, Farah Natchiar

My younger sis Imara Natchiar
(jumping into Dayang Bunting lake)

The cousins heading for white sands and blue water

Family lunch- an everyday fiesta!

The view from my hotel room

At Tun Mahathir’s Bakery!

On the sunset cruise

My hotel  and its yacht

Langkawi from the top

I did twinnie’s makeup!

No need for words. Twinnie’s Langkawi wedding reception was a marathon of beach-swimming and constant sun bathing! Like no other!

I thought i was the only one having a dilemma about career progression right now. OK, me and my Proton buddy who becomes each other’s punchbag every single day in our every single conversation about Proton and our workloads.

I’m the Nerd Who Wears Dior (as a lipstick) and he’s the Nerd Who Wears Oakley (as a pair of glasses).

We’re both having massive internal-within-ourselves issues about work. Our bosses have extreme expectations upon us, but people take advantage of us when we deliver.

Sometimes u can feel really down when your hard earned work isn’t compensated fairly.

Anyway, when we think like we were the only ones having a career-oriented problem- sitting there, staring at our Kopi O and just confessing to each other the donkey jobs we’ve been doing all day, the HR Director turned up and joined us. I first thought he could have some answers to my internal-depression queries, but he instead announced his resignation from the company.

Bummer.. just when i thought he would be a soul-motivator, he had to drop the bomb into my Kopi O. And i thought Nerdy Oakley and i are the only ones who are having massive career progression problem.

But whats true about this whole thing is that we are all humans, no matter where we are, who we are and where we’re at. For someone who were as high in position as he is, he looked the exact fear just like it would be on anybody else’s face who was resigning. Nervous. Unsure. A big burden off his chect.

Worst, the MD joined us in his kain pelekat and he was the very image of a Tok Penghulu. I cannot get the picture outta my head. He said kenapa kerja teruk sangat ni becoz i was still in my stinky Proton uniform eating stinky food and looked real stinky thanks to my groggy zombie eyes.

I’m so dazed these days. Life is hell-ish with this project of mine. I really cannot wait for it to launch in less than 50 days!!

I think this Kopitiam is off limits for me right now. I wanted to get dinner and a peace of mind… i got the exact contrary instead. So much for hoping i’m the old with the big problem with workloads…. someone had worst.

Here’s the summary of my thought process:

I am unable to cope with work
I’m blown away because of work
I am not analyzing my actions well enough becoz of  work
Twinnie’s wedding is finally done- i didnt get the chance to take that many photos!
Ive offcially turned into a workaholc

Tomorow i’m on leave… and thats what matters now! Yeah!!!

I really really wonder if i will ever get to see the marriage of Proton and VW?

Maybe by that time, many changes has already taken place.

Maybe by that time, things will still remain the same.

Being in Proton is always about being a part of the pride of the nation. Or so, sometimes it feels that way. But, is it really?

I had a conversation today with a colleague about wearing a "Proton" uniform to work. For us, it makes life easier because we don’t have to choose anything else from the closet. However, for the first time in my life, i heard some say that he’s proud to wear a shirt that has a Proton badge on it. It hit me hard and i found myself to be rather numb for a few minutes.

I cannot fully disagree. He spoke what i really felt inside. Our company is in a turmoil. We are trying to manage a crisis. We are trying to win a war.
We are trying to get married to one of the world’s biggest Auto Giant. But, we still fail in making revenues right now.

Print media is making a lot of money out of us through the articles they write about. The cars, the stocks, the strategic alliance and the many "talks" that has been going on.

Are we still the pride of the nation? Can i agree with the statement my colleague made? Proud to wear the uniform?

One thing’s for sure- he’s braver than me in admitting the truth. He said it so bluntly, so freely. Like there’s no worry, fear or guilt. And he’s the one who just tendered his resignation.

And i’m still here. And i will still be here for now and for time to come.

The truth is, i feel exactly the same way. Proud. Its about pride. But i will never ever say it. I’m not that brave to admit it. I still fear that saying it would me i have some obligations to stay loyal. Because i have no obligations to stay loyal. I say what i hate about the company. I say those things bluntly.

But, truth also be told- I am not proud of wearing the uniform, but i am not ashamed either.

But today- as i spent another Saturday in the office finishing up more work, i realized how difficult it is for us to get married. For Proton to get married. To anyone. Its like being in a muddied relationship where the guy is offering a 24k ring but the girl still cannot decide.

Because a marriage of two companies- is like a marriage of two souls. You tie the knot, you’re gonna have to also live with all the flaws. Before that, you will also see all of the claws. And that, can be scary. That is what intimidates us.

But, when you’re really really broke, you cannot live alone, can you?

You might as well marry an old rich hag who has no compatibility whatsoever with you than to die a lonely death.

But that, is only in theory and is only applicable for company strategy.

In real human life, its all about choices. Its either you make the right one or not.